I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
