So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize