Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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