yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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