hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
