I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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