Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
