I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
