Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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