Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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