I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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