don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
