Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
