Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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