Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
