oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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