is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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