I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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