I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
