Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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