I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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