you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
