We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
foreskin is a definite game changer
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
