I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
