I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
