they need to just BURY HIM!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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