Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize