I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just invented taco cereal.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
