I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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