Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
