i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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