six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
