His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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