i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
