No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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