I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize