Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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