She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
