that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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