Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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