Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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