I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
