They should really pass out barf bags in church
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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