She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
