Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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