I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
