you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize