i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
