I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
