i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
