I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
