Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
