The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I am naked and annoyed.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
